Child Development and its Relationship to Grief and Loss
What can Parents Do To Help?
Reference: Myers, D. (1986) Psychology, New York, Worth Publishers

Birth - 3 years

General Concepts of Development

• World is experienced through his/her senses
• Attachment is developing – experiences some stranger anxiety
• Language, motor, cognitive, social/emotional development is critical
• Trust vs. Mistrust is developing

Concepts of Death

• Has no concept of death
• Sense that something has changed if main caregiver is no longer present
• Able to sense a caregiver’s emotional distress

Grief Issues

• May respond to death with irritability, change in sleep, eating and play patterns
• May regress
• May search for caregiver
• May be very attached to remaining caregiver and fear separation

What Can You Do to Help?

• Provide nuturing, love and physical closeness (hold and snuggle child, coo and sing with them sitting on your lap)
• Language holds a special appeal for children this age; they love to hear familiar voices repeating familiar words and phrases
• Maintain a schedule/routine – Feeding times, play times, storytelling times, singing and holding should continue without interruption.
• Take photos of deceased so that the child will be able to look at them at a later date if needed
• Take child to a portion of funeral or service
• Use appropriate vocabulary for age (“Mommy is dead, she is not coming back.”)
• Answer questions
• Model/Encourage appropriate expression of feelings and memory sharing
• Keep a journal for child of important events, ceremonies, newspaper clippings and stories
  

3 - 6 years

General Concepts of Development

• Egocentric
• Focuses on one thing at a time
• Inanimate things can be alive
• Magical Thinking – Child believes that just thinking about something can make it happen
• Continues to learn about the world through senses
• Play is critical to development
• Time is reversible, may be able to recall some very memorable past events
• Continues to develop trust

Concept of Death

• May have concept of death, depending upon the experience
• Death may be caused by thoughts or feelings (Magical Thinking)
• May be interested in physical and biological aspects of death and the dead body
• May think death is like sleep
• Senses caregiver’s emotional distress

Grief Issues

• May appear fine
• May respond to death with irritability, change in sleep, eating and play patterns
• May regress
• May be concerned with who will be caregiver
• May show feelings, thoughts through play because he may not have the vocabulary to explain self
• May be very attached to remaining caregiver and fear separation
• May ask questions repeatedly
• Very curious
• Physical reactions and acting out behaviors

What can you do to help?

• Answer questions
• Maintain a schedule
• Take photos of deceased so that child will be able to look at them at a later date if needed
• Take child to a portion of the funeral/service
• Use appropriate vocabulary for age
• Provide play opportunities
• Model/encourage appropriate expression of feelings and memory sharing
• Keep a journal for child if important events, ceremonies, newspaper clippings and stories
  

General Concepts of Development

• Egocentric
• Beginning to understand cause and effect
• Concrete-operational: understands concrete concepts
• Magical Thinking – Believes that just thinking about something can make it happen (This is lessening)
• Continues to learn about world through senses
• Play is critical to development
• Peer relationships are becoming very important
• Self esteem is developing

Concept of Death

• Death is sometimes thought of as ghosts
• Beginning to understand the finality of death
• May be interested in physical and biological aspects of death
• May feel that he caused death

Grief Issues

• May appear fine
• May respond to death with irritability, change in sleep, eating and play patterns
• May regress
• May be concerned with who will be the caregiver
• May feel a stigma at school or around peers
• May be very attached to remaining caregiver and fear separation
• May be concerned about future of self and others
• Very curious
• Physical reactions and acting out behaviors

What can you do to help?

• Answer questions
• Maintain a schedule
• Take child to funeral or service if he chooses
• Include child in funeral/service
• Use appropriate vocabulary for age
• Be honest and factual
• Provide play opportunities
• Model/encourage appropriate expression of feelings and memory sharing
• Keep a journal for child of important events, ceremonies, newspaper clippings and stories
• Keep in contact with school
  

Teen Years

General Concepts of Development

• Formal operational: thinks abstractly, like an adult
• Egocentric
• Magical thinking – believes that just thinking about something can make it happen (this is minimal)
• Attempting to find a balance in terms of independence and dependence of caregiver
• Peer relationships are very important
• Self esteem is developing
• Searching for identity

Concept of Death

• Death is final, an end to physical life
• Realization of own mortality and thinks about the meaning of life
• May be interested in physical and biological aspects of death
• May feel that he caused death
• Understands future and what loss will mean

Grief Issues

• May appear fine
• May respond to death with irritability, change in sleep, eating, school and social behaviors
• May be concerned with who will be caregiver
• May feel stigma at school or around peers
• May be attached to remaining caregiver/family
• May be concerned about the future of self or others
• May attempt to take on role of deceased
• Struggles with needing support and not wanting it

What can you do to help?

• Answer questions
• Maintain a schedule
• Talk adolescent to funeral or service if he chooses
• Include adolescent in funeral/service
• Be available when teen wants to talk
• Be honest and factual
• Reduce expectations
• Model/encourage appropriate expression of feelings and memory sharing
• Keep a journal for adolescent of important events, ceremonies, newspaper clippings and stories
• Keep in contact with school
• Start a family communication journal
  

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