Helping
Your Child Conquer His/Her Fears
By Dr. William Steele, Director
The National Institute for Trauma and Loss in Children
Do not think in terms of "talking" to
your child. Think in terms of "listening" to how the
traumatic incident has been experienced by your child.
What you think your child is experiencing is very likely what
you as an adult are experiencing. Children can experience such
incidents very differently. You cannot know how your child is
experiencing trauma unless you listen.
The following questions can be very helpful:
- What worries you the most now?
- What upsets you the most now?
- What is the worst part, the hardest part for you now?
- What helps you feel a little better?
- What helps you feel a little safer?
- Do you have any questions about what has happened or anything
anyone has said?Reassure your child/teen that they are safe, that
you yourself as their parent are also okay by the following:
- Listen.
- Maintain routines.
- Turn the television off or allow children to only watch shows
not covering the incident. (Adolescents may need to watch because
like adults they have a need to know, but keep it to a minimum
– no more than a half-hour and discuss what they saw and
heard by asking questions about their responses/opinions.
- Do not criticize any regressive behaviors, their need for comfort
food, etc. Allow your children to be sad or to be afraid, but
also reassure them that you will take care of them and that their
sadness, or hurt, or fear will change in time.
- Encourage your children to exercise some control by making
decisions for a few days about what they want to eat, wear, etc.
- Spend time together. This means together, not you in one part
of the house while they are in another part of the house.
- Encourage your child to engage in physical activities as well
as activities that let them feel better. (Your school is likely
involving students in activities to help survivors. Join them.)
- Explain that it is normal to feel sad or worried but that the
United States is a strong country and everyone is working hard
to keep everyone safe.
- When needed, help separate fact from fiction as fiction tends
to escalate one’s fears.
- Do not speculate or exaggerate.
- As a parent, let your child see you take care of yourself. Exercise,
eat well, and avoid watching too much coverage of the incident.
- As a parent, understand that this is an opportunity to reaffirm
the importance of family by spending more time together.
- As a parent it is also an opportunity to teach children tolerance
for the differences of others by bringing attention to inflammatory,
bigoted, prejudicial comments that generalize an entire culture
as terrorists, mad killers, etc.
- As a parent if there are questions your children ask that you
cannot answer, be honest. If possible let your children know you
will ask others to hear what they might have to say, or simply
let your children know that, in life, there are things that happen
which we have no answers for.
- As a parent look to your school and/or church to involve your
children in proactive activities directed toward helping the survivors,
as this helps instill a value for human life.
©The National
Institute for Trauma and Loss in Children
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